hurt people hurt people - Chapter 7 - a_small_cretur (2024)

Chapter Text

Simon stirs, the sound of light shuffling cutting through his sleep haze in bits until he's fluttering his eyes open, squinting in his dark room. It takes a bit to fully focus on his surroundings, but the first thing he can pinpoint is the lack of warmth that was next to him when he'd fallen asleep.

He almost panics, rubbing off the drowsiness still in his eyes and moving away the sheets over him until he spots them. A small wave of relief washes over him as he pushes up to see Wilhelm sitting on the edge of the bed, fully dressed and crouching, definitely not having noticed he was awake. That makes the relief melt to a twisting feeling in his chest.

It's still dark and he's sure it's terribly early if the way his head is aching is anything to go by and there was something so hurtful in Wille leaving early in the morning before he even woke up even if he's sure he shouldn't feel that for what they were doing.

Hell, they shouldn't even be spending nights together but Simon is so weak and there's no way he can't use the loophole in his own rules. If it didn't exist, then they weren't really breaking it. Simon can convince himself of that - anything for the warmth he feels when they hold each other, drifting off together.

It's been going on for a while, a few weeks now, just back and forth between his place or Wille's whenever they were both free and there was some unspoken agreement to give a certain gap before either of them reached out.

The entirety of last night is still fresh in his memory. Wille had said they had an early scene to film and would have to leave early but obviously, Simon has been way too emotionally attached and even the thought of spending a night alone in the walls of his room after, was horrifying so he convinced them to stay anyway.

It's never been hard to, Wille seems to love to indulge him. For some reason, they also seem to love this arrangement as much as Simon does, and maybe even the moments after a little more - just like him. And sometimes the moments in between, before they have sex or in the morning before either of them leave. Those made his chest achingly warm.

Simon knew it would still strike a familiar ache in his chest to see Wille leave like it did every other time but now it's worse because he doesn't want to go back to sleep without them.

Wille seems to be done with putting on their shoes or whatever because they straighten up again. That's when their eyes land on Simon, moving up to rest on the pillows, sheets now pooling at his waist - ones they had to change because they'd messed them up from their activities last night.

It's mainly dark in the room unless the day brightening and filtering in through the windows and shedding light into the room. There's a complicated look on Wille's face and like every other time, Simon can read what that is. Times like this between them, Wille was like an open book, like they'd shed all their walls and put down all their acting for Simon to just see them. He can see exactly how much they look torn between not wanting to leave and having to leave.

“I'm sorry for waking you.” They whisper eventually after seemingly taking the moment to take in all his features in the dim light.

There was this sort of hunger he could see in Wille whenever they looked at the things they did to his body. And oh, Simon loved it too. He loved looking at the after effects, the marks, the aches and yearn for something he's not even sure what it might be.

That ache in his chest somehow worsens when Wille stands up but to his relief, they just move over to his side of the bed to sit at the edge. A small flutter rushes over him at the soft expression on their face.

Simon feels so vulnerable in the moment, not even able to rein in whatever it is he's feeling when he just shakes his head. “You didn't wake me.”

Wille hesitates only for a second before resting his hand on the side of Simon's face and his eyes fall close almost instinctively, leaning into the warmth of their palm with his heart thudding loudly in his chest. He's well aware this isn't the ‘detached short - quick - getting off and never speaking to each other’ affair he'd planned for this whole casual arrangement.

But then again, so far nothing has ever been normal between them. This one too could be an exception. Simon could just let himself have this one thing until Wille finally got tired of whatever it is they saw in him.

He's not even sure who leans in first but their lips find each other, meeting in the middle. Wille's fingers thread through his curls in the way that makes him weak to the bone, makes every inch of him tremble with emotion and there's nothing else but them in his mind as their lips move together.

It's too brief. It ends too soon and he's too tired to even complain when they pull away. Wille looks so physically pained to hold him back when he leans in again like they know if Simon requested, they wouldn't be able to resist.

Simon loved that Wille gave him some sort of control in whatever this was. As odd as it was, it's like he's just never known what that's supposed to feel like but they just let him, gave in to him so easily, even if it was just the sex, it was so intoxicating. It made him feel things he probably shouldn't be feeling because he's still not sure what Wille sees in him.

They brush their thumb against his cheek before muttering, “I really have to go.” And really he has every right to be pissed at Wille's job right now because it's a f*cking weekend.

Eventually, Simon gives in, shoulders sagging and leaning back on bed, away from their touch. “Okay.”

Wille smiles at him, brushing aside their darkening hair - that was growing longer much to Simon's delight- behind his ear. Sometimes they wore those cute hair clips - that matched with their ear rings for some reason - to hold up the hair and it would never not be a sight to melt Simon's heart whenever he got the chance to see it.

“I'll see you.” They say, like they always do, vaguely and no kind of indicator to when it would ever happen again but the assurance that it would happen always there.

As far as he's sure of, neither of them are really getting into any serious relationships soon. That would be comforting enough. Besides this was working fine, he hasn't felt miserable for as long as it started and that was saying something.

“Bye.” He mutters back.

Wille hesitates, obviously about to stand to leave before turning back to take his hand and press a kiss to his knuckles. There's a wild flutter in his chest, his entire body flooding up with warmth at the gesture. It still doesn't help the way his heart drops when they stand up to leave.

Simon watches him up until he's at the door. Like he expects, Wille turns back to give him one last look before walking out the door. He shrinks back into the pillows and the sheets at the cold feeling of being alone in his room after all the warmth he's felt. He can't even lie to himself, most of the times he's invited Wille over because he felt too lonely.

And he knows he has friends he could reach out to but they always wanted him to talk about something and sometimes Simon just wanted to scream and cry or get f*cked into the bed or in some cases - f*ck Wille into the bed.

Sometimes, it's even the cut moments of domesticity that passes between them that just fixes him. Wille never asked, he just took and he took the brunt of every ugly feeling that brewed in Simon's chest and they still looked at him like he was worth something.

He tries not to think about it, forcing himself to waft in traces of Wille's scent in the pillows and all over the bed before it would fade away and he'd have nothing left to console himself. Because nothing good would ever come out from thinking about it, maybe he'd even end up ruining this too.

Sighing and pressing his eyes shut, Simon sinks back under the covers. He knows there was no chance he would be falling asleep again but he's also not sure he can pull himself out of bed to even do anything.

Besides, it was a Sunday, he's pretty sure he doesn't have anything to do until much later in the day. For now, he could sulk about every frustrating thing that's built up a tower in his mind for a long time now and how much he already misses Wilhelm.

It was honestly pathetic but he's run out of ways to chide himself about it. Most times, it was sad to think that he was rarely ever feeling any form of genuine happiness that wasn't forced or earned from some achievement unless he was with Wille. Those short moments between them really filled him with some sort of life that he's been lacking even without knowing.

Simon tries not to think of what it meant but it made sense. After spending soo long with someone who made him feel like he had to earn being treated as a person with emotions, being so heavily prioritized by Wille was such a breath of fresh air. The bare minimum, yes, but he also doesn't know what that felt like until them so screw it, Simon had the right to be a little emotionally attached. No harm done, he got amazing org*sms and was slowly learning to be able to feel good about himself afterwards.

Sometimes, Wille didn't want reciprocation, didn't want to be touched at all and Simon would be the sole center of his attention and ministrations and that guilt that used to gnaw his chest about it has gradually died a bit.

It's fine. Everything would be fine. Sure it would hurt like hell when Wille finally got tired of this - because Simon is almost sure he wouldn't anytime soon - and pulled away. Maybe it would take a piece of him if not all of him in the process but for now, all that mattered was that things were good. To some extent, it's extremely better than it's been in a while.

He spends a bit staring at his wall, the posters staring back at him as more light spills into the room, day brightening significantly. The lingering traces of their scent in his pillows was slowly shifting from comforting to stirring up the ache for them.

Giving up, Simon shrugs off the sheets, sliding off the bed and making a beeline to the bathroom. There's a pleasant soreness between his legs - and all over his body even - when he walks.

It's never not nice to be reminded exactly of how good Wille was with those fingers. And frankly their mouth too because Simon is pretty sure there are multiple bruises on the inside of his thighs from how enthusiastic they were last night.

Sometimes it was too overwhelming to have Wille be so dedicated and gentle to making him feel good and Simon preferred to just take the lead. Anything to stop the feelings that clogged up his chest when he was the center of Wille's attention like that - not when it seemed too much like veneration.

But sometimes, he just let them. Maybe he'd have to cry himself to sleep afterwards wishing for a moment of weakness that this thing between them could be something real but in the moment, it was the best thing ever.

Stepping under the scalding heat of the spray, the tightness in his muscles loosen up a bit and he sighs in relief. He makes a mental run of what he has to do this week, already checking up free time that he could text Wille ‘are you free?’ It was their thing after all, sending some cryptic short message and never addressing what they were actually doing.

If they ended up with their pants around their ankles, really what was new? They don't text each other more than that - because they're not friends - and that's a rule, one he very consciously put up for some semblance of casualty.

Simon knows they go around it a lot when they do things like watch movies together or cuddle or make each other breakfast but he can't bring himself to care. Not when it feels so much better than anything.

He knows they shouldn't be kissing each other goodbye so softly and tenderly or sharing those moments if he wanted any chance at staying sane and detached but he's so weak for them. He's not breaking any rule, not crossing any boundary so he can allow himself to have it. Every consequence, Simon could face later.

When he rounds up his shower and then runs through his hair routine, he feels generally better with all his formerly taut joints now loosened up. Simon is halfway through drying his hair and treating it when his phone buzzes from where it's laying idly on the bedside drawer.

He ignores it for the bit, pulling on some comfy clothes first before picking up his phone and heading over to the kitchen. He swipes away most of the notifications, most of them being tags and posts he wasn't ready to go through yet to focus on his messages instead. The most recent is from Matteo, a simple, ‘you free for today?’

Maybe that's exactly what he needs. He hasn't met up with his friend for a studio session in a while now and otherwise he would just spend the day sulking some more and scrolling through tiktok or twitter.

It's not as annoying to see so many posts, edits, GIFs and theories about him and Wilhelm all over his page like before because in some ways, they were right. It's almost comical sometimes because the only public appearance they've had together was the Grammys yet people were still steadfast on the idea that they had some form of secret relationship - again, not entirely wrong. It's entertaining even to watch the internet go crazy when it's been months since that music video was released. If he's getting the international boost he always wanted, why would he argue.

Frankly, he wasn't surprised at the surge that the interview stirred because Simon indeed stared at Wille like he was hungry for them, which he was but no one had to know that. He chuckles to himself, picking up an apple from the fruit basket on the countertop and typing out a response to his friend.

A few hours later, Simon is in the studio with Matteo playing some scratchy voice recordings he's made at different intervals when he'd gotten inspiration recently. He's been having somewhat of a breakthrough in his creative block which was a good thing. At least one of his frustrations was loosening up.

And he's really trying his hardest not to to attribute it to Wilhelm but he can't really help that the words seemingly come to him during or after their meetups.

Obviously, the sex is great and helps him unwind and clear his head and that's why it was easier for him to write afterwards but it's scarily close to him meaning some of those lyrics about them.

Which was ridiculous, so he shoves the thought as far deep as possible. He shouldn't even be thinking of feeling that way about Wille because he knows his heart would only get ripped out in the process. Simon needs to reel in his emotions that always seemed to linger on his sleeve for some reason.

“These sound really good. Impressive.” His friend's words interrupt his train of thought as the last voice recording comes to an end. Matteo nods, turning to smile at him and Simon feels himself smile, warm all over from the compliment. He recognizes he is talented but it's never not a treat to hear it from someone else, especially because Matteo knew his way around music himself.

As usual, he plays it off though, muttering a small “Thanks.” He knows his friend knows how much it means anyway.

Simon sinks back into his chair, pulling it up the hood of his sweater while his friend reaches forward to adjust the settings on the keyboard before gesturing to it, “Run it for me. What tempo and synths did you have in mind?”

Simon wasn't really thinking of much when he recorded those. There were times when he needed to put a lot of thought and intellectuality in writing but sometimes the words just came to him, a clear reflection of whatever he was feeling in the moment.

He thinks about it for a moment, worrying his lower lip before leaning forward to hover his fingers over the keys. “Not sure. Just started up with words and flow but maybe something like…” He starts out with a few chords, humming along the individual notes. Matteo is already nodding at him to continue when he turns to him so he starts singing some of the parts that came to him earlier.

Unsurprisingly, Wille is the first thing on his mind as the lyrics take shape in a flow. It doesn't have to mean anything even if it terrifies Simon that their presence alone - just the thought of them too - could bring so much ease to him.

He shakes off the feeling, focusing on playing the right harmony instead. It's only hitting him how much he misses this so much, just having feelings and being able to express them the best way he could. It's fun. Not a big deal at all. The involuntary smile on his face has nothing to do with Wilhelm at all.

After a bit, and a few mistakes and hiccups, Simon reaches a halt. “And then I don't know, maybe an interlude and a bridge?” Almost on cue, it comes to him right then and he's muttering ‘oh wait’ before playing a few more notes, humming to fill in the blanks. He likes the progress so far and with the encouraging nods from his friend, he finally reaches an end.

“I think I could just end it there. Like a fade out.” Simon mouths more to himself, tapping his chin and leaning back on the chair again.

He turns fully to ask Matteo's opinion but the words halt on the tip of his tongue when he notices the look on his friend's face. The urge to squirm under the attention climbs up his skin and he just chuckles to shake it off, running his fingers through his curls.

There's something in the way that he looks at Simon that doesn't just read the usual ‘impressed’ or ‘good work’. He's almost defensive when he rushes to ask, “Why are you looking at me like that?”

Matteo, of course, as insufferable as ever huffs out a harmless chuckle instead like he knew Simon would react that way and doesn't respond for a good minute. When he does though, his smile is soft, eyes trained on the screen of the laptop in front of him before facing him as he trails off.

“You just seem… how do I say this? Happier? Yeah, that.”

Simon feels a weird tightening in his chest at hearing the words. He's not sure he's had anyone say that to him in so long. It was always something within the range of ‘you look a mess’ - featuring Fiona obviously - to repeatedly giving him pitying expressions and ‘you can talk to me’s. Frankly, he was so fed up with it especially when he had to repeat that he was doing fine every damn time.

But then again, most of the time, he never really meant that. He would do anything to avoid having whatever conversation his friends thought he so desperately needed. There's a difference now. He isn't falling asleep to that heavy weight in his chest that used to make every part of him ache.

Now Simon gets nights where he sleeps, wrapped up in the softest and most gentle warm arms. And the nights where he can't have it, he can live in the memories, he can dwell in the hope that he would be having it again. And that felt so good. It filled every part of him with a lightness and a warmth that he started feeling like he didn't even deserve at some point.

In some ways, he is happier. Maybe it's false and built on a foundation that barely existed - because what he and Wille were doing could never be real - but he feels it. And it feels good.

There's a knowing look on his friend's face, raising a brow at him and that's how Simon realizes he's been smiling quite smittenly. He shakes it off instantly, turning to hide his flushed face and tucking away his stray curls.

He tries but fails to cover it up with a snort, pressing random keys on the keyboard. “I told you I've been perfectly happy and fine.”

Even Simon knows that's a blatant lie but there's an unspoken rule between everyone in his life to never bring up Marcus, his cheating and everything else that went down last summer. He knows Matteo would not directly call him out on him so he expects the sarcasm dropping from his response.

“Yeah, obviously.”

Simon can't help but scoff. It's been so long since the breakup, even if he wasn't in the best mental space, Matteo can't seriously think that would be the reason why.

He's only been taking too much time to adjust and not that Wille was a rebound or anything, they just made Simon feel so much more validated than he's ever felt before. It's hard not to get emotionally attached to them. Simon can't help how unimpressed he sounds when he says, “It's almost been a whole year.”

Matteo shrugs, obviously about to say something Simon wouldn't like because he opens his mouth and then closes it, shaking his head. What he eventually decides on is not much better - the last question at least. “I mean, you're obviously doing way better than last time. What's the secret? Did you finally agree to start therapy?”

Simon tries not to cringe but with the way his friend regards him, he doubts his disdain at the words isn't visible in his expression.

Rosh had once idly mentioned it - trying therapy - several months ago when he was still fresh from the breakup, crying his eyes out at every point in time and till now, he still doesn't get it. He's not the first person to go through a long-term relationship and a breakup, it felt bad but not bad enough that he needed to go to therapy.

Even thinking it makes his skin bristle eerily. That was a step too far, even if it was merely a joke, Simon can't help how defensive it makes him. It was one thing for them to pity and consider him sad and helpless and not believe he was doing f*cking fine and it was another to suggest therapy.

He knows he doesn't school his expression and his tone well enough because the words come out quite accusing when he responds, “You're ridiculous. What would I need it for?”

Besides, like Matteo pointed out, he was doing better and without talking about it with anybody like everyone else believes would help him for some reason. Simon is so over it that there's nothing to even talk about.

His friend doesn't take the bait, focusing on the screen again when he says, “Whatever you say.” in an unmistakable tone that made it obvious, he did not believe a word Simon was saying.

A small frown settles between his brows. “Is it really so hard to believe I'm just over it?”

He purses his lips for a moment, giving Simon a once-over, an amused look in his eyes when he finally replies, “Not the point I was making but really it's good to see you in your element again.” - he sounds much softer when he adds - “I love the new sound though, it's very authentic and very you. Are you gonna record this?”

Grateful for the change of conversation, he shrugs, fiddling with the ropes of his hoodie. For some reason, he didn't really consider sharing it when he was recording those demos. It feels like a journal entry, too raw with emotions he shouldn't even be feeling. “Mhmm. I don't know.” - he clicks his tongue before shaking his head. It definitely felt too personal - “...probably not.”

“What is it with songwriters and making a masterpiece just to never release it? I swear you're all the same.” Matteo sounds unimpressed, looking at him incredulously and Simon laughs. They don't work professionally together but he knows Matteo produces for a few upcoming artists here within Sweden.

He scoffs, brushing it off with a smile. “This is barely a scrap.”

“Well let's change that.” Matteo doesn't give him a moment to contest before patting his shoulder and standing up to retrieve his guitar from where it's laying idly on the wall in a corner of the room.

He plucks a few strings probably to check the tuning before nodding to Simon in a gesture, “Fill in the words, I'll play you and then we can make the beat from scratch.” It's hard to turn down the energy from his friend when it's so infectious.

“Don't look at me like that, let's get to work.” Matteo gestures to him with his free hand and Simon feels himself smile. He loves a good challenge anyway.

They spend the next few hours working on the song, his friend assisting him when he was stuck in the words and fine-tuning the sound together. He sings while Matteo plays, adding in the harmony until they reach an organic stop and decide to take snack breaks in between.

It's at least enough to keep his mind off how much he already misses Wille - which was ridiculous given they've gone months without seeing each other but it just was.

If he thinks of them when he's smiling widely and jotting down the most tender and sweet lyrics, it doesn't have to mean anything. Who wouldn't like Wille anyway, they surpassed every expectation possible and Simon's bar was scarily low even, it just made sense that they slithered their way into his mind and made a home there.

Simon knows better to fall for the person he's sleeping with casually. His heart has been through enough already, any more and he would literally lose his mind.

The next few days pass by in a blur and much to his disappointment, he and Wille don't meet up the entire week because of their absurd shooting schedule. It really ticks Simon off and even if he knows he has no right to be mad about it, he can't help the way he misses them. It's why he doesn't mind when he's roped into another hangout with their friends.

When Sara messaged him to ask if he was free to go out, he barely even thought of it, simply agreeing when she added that Felice had invited her to visit some ranch and Wille was tagging along.

He didn't even think of how random it was or how far they'd have to drive or literally if that was even his field of expertise, he just wanted to see them. Simon is actively trying not to think about what that means for him.

If anything, he should be missing the sex - and he does, very much - because that was plausible, not this dire ache and some other feeling in his chest that made him yearn for the moments in between, wrapped up in each other's warmth. He's not sure he's ever missed hugging someone as much as he did Wille. But obviously, it means absolutely nothing.

Simon shifts his attention back to the road, following the directions from the navigator - because once again he's never driven this far out and he did not think through it before agreeing to this. He turns to where his sister is leaning back on the passenger seat, fiddling with her ring absentmindedly.

“Remind me again why we couldn't just like… go out for coffee.” Sara looks up at him when he asks, shooting him an unimpressed look when she processes the question. He had no qualms about it when she'd asked and not that he has any now, he was genuinely curious.

If he knows his sister well enough, he's sure this must've been suggested as a date between her and Felice that Simon and Wille somehow got roped into. Again, he's not complaining, he's buzzing with barely contained anticipation to see them again - like it hasn't just been a week.

She leans back on the headrest and gives him a response anyway, not too far off the mark. “Felice suggested it when I told her I used to ride back in school. It's sweet.”

“If it were a date between you two.” Simon teases because it has been months since they started talking and those two have had no progress. His sister rolls her eyes at him and waves it off even though he can spot the hint of a flush on her face. “Shush. I don't even know if she likes me like that.”

“This is obviously what friends do for each other.”

She gives him that signature ‘you're so annoying’ look before giving a reply that makes Simon wish he did not start this in the first place. “I know you only agreed to come because of Wilhelm anyway.”

That gets Simon to tense up a bit, turning to focus all his attention on the road ahead again. He knows he and Wille are pretty terrible at acting casual but he's still never going to admit there's anything going on between them. How convincing he would be was the problem, especially with how well Sara could read him. Times like this, it was quite annoying.

He clears his throat absently, watering down the knots forming in his stomach with a small chuckle to laugh it off - in the hopes that maybe for once, she would drop it. “What do they have to do with any of this?” That was too much to ask for apparently.

Sara gives him that look that tells him all he needs to know but even worse when she says, “I'm supposed to believe you suddenly picked an interest in horses. You even hate driving.” She points out which was not wrong because yes it was surprising that he'd offered to drive instead of her but that was not in any way because of Wille.

Maybe just a little - to keep his mind off of them the whole way there - but it was mostly to help his sister.

“I’m trying to be supportive. You lesbians are so dramatic, I mean horseback riding.” He jokes, hoping to divert the conversation from wherever it was leading because Simon did not like that. Not at all.

He's barely ever acknowledged what he and Wille were doing with them, he's not about to do it with anyone else. It never happened and that's a rule. It's not entirely unexpected when his sister doesn't buy into the diversion, too keen for her own good and heavily to his disadvantage.

“Stop trying to change the topic.” She says simply.

Simon worries his lower lip between his teeth, tapping his feet lightly. “And what is the topic exactly?”

And there was that crass bluntness from Sara that's hardly ever done him any good when she says so blatantly, “Whatever's going on between you and Wilhelm.” Simon has to resist the urge to visibly cringe at being called out like that.

She barely gives him a chance to even come up with words to deny that when she continues, “You can't tell me I'm wrong, I saw you two at the club the other night. It was painfully obvious.”

He likes to think he did a job keeping his f*cking cool the entirety of that night when all he desperately wanted to do was kiss away the distress barely hidden on Wille's face. But then again, Simon could very much pinpoint the looks from them when he’d offered to follow after Wilhelm.

He doesn't know how much Wille's friends know but if he never admits anything then they're all making assumptions. Their moments were theirs to share and he's not sure he could handle anyone else reminding him how much of a bad idea it was. Simon hopes he sounds as chill as possible when he answers, “I don't know what you're talking about.”

For the next moment, Sara doesn't say anything anymore but he can feel her eyes on him so he doesn't even dare hope that this conversation is over. Which he really did hate because this was the last thing he needed to ruin his mood. It's even worse when the next question she asks hangs in the air and Simon has just had about enough of the prying for one day.

“Are you two sleeping together?”

There's just curiosity in her voice, her tone isn't accusatory but it still makes Simon defensive. He's not even mad at Sara because he knows why she wants to know. He knows she cares and that every other one of his friends do too but this was complicated and he wishes they could leave it the f*ck alone.

He bites down on his tongue to keep his voice calm. “Not that it's any of your business, but no. And what would it matter if we were?”

She doesn't give him a response instantly and when he chances a glance at her, she's watching him with an unreadable expression. Eventually, she sighs and goes back to fiddling with her ring. Simon feels his heart drop a bit because of all people, he least of all wants to offend his sister. He tries to brush it off by focusing on the directions instead.

After a while though, Sara speaks up again, voice cautious, “I'm not trying to control your decisions. I know you're an adult and can make those yourself. I just want you to be careful, I don't want to have to see you get hurt like that… again.” She doesn't say it but he hears it. After all, who didn't see Simon almost lose his damn mind after the breakup and everything else around that.

But this is different, he's sure if he tries to explain it, she would say otherwise. Wille made him feel good about himself, in every way possible. It's not their fault that they didn't want him any more outside the sexual aspect and frankly, Simon can admit he's not ready for anything serious - not anytime soon. This was the perfect arrangement, it just made sense. He'd handle whatever came after this.

Simon turns to her to force a smile that should be convincing even though he could hardly convince himself in the moment. He mouths, “I'm fine.” like he always does because it should be enough.

It never is though and it's obvious in the defeated way she nods and shrugs before muttering back. “I know, Simon. You always are.” It's not really new to hear that obvious lilt that said she did not believe him but at least they were dropping the topic and that was fine by him.

The rest of the ride goes by quietly and soon enough, he's driving up a dirt path, already spotting the weathered wooden sign along the entrance. There's two oak trees, with gnarled branches looking certainly like they were way older than he was and if only for the air and view already, Simon doesn't mind the almost three hour drive.

He's never been to Vreta before so it was definitely a first for that. If there was anyone who needed to reconnect with nature, it was him. Sara's already staring in awe out the window and he feels some warmth in his chest. Growing up, they didn't have this privilege definitely but now he could easily give that to his family and much more and he loved it.

Beyond the trees, a cluster of farm buildings come into view, wooden facades, painted in muted shades of red and white, all seeming to glow warmly in the sunlight.

Finally he pulls up at the entrance, a gravel driveway with shrubs already flattened after the overgrown shrubbery. It smells of hay and damp soil and the tranquility is generally relaxing.

“Felice says they're here already.” Sara's voice grabs his attention again and he turns to see her typing back a message on her phone. “By the stables.” She adds before he asks and he nods, pulling out the key from the ignition.

The riding breeches are uncomfortably tight as they walk down the path leading to the stalls not quite far ahead and Simon can not for the life of him understand how people wear and do any of this for fun. When he points it out, Sara makes fun of him and soon they're laughing and teasing each other again. It brings a sort of relief to know at least things weren't strained between them after the conversation in the car.

It's the sound of the horses neighing that really draws his attention first to the pen but very quickly it shifts to the field where he can already spot them. Felice is on the saddle, curly hair all stuffed in her helmet and then there's Wille tugging on the rope, walking them out, both of them deep in their conversation.

Simon probably did not take into account how bad this might be for him because how on earth were they allowed to walk around looking like that. He barely has a moment to even process any sane thought that wasn't just walking a beeline to Wille and kissing him senseless. It takes everything in him not to go through with that when they notice them and he sees the way Wille's smile widens.

He's only helpless to the way his heart flips in his chest because they're practically glowing under the sun, face free of makeup and skin red. Maybe he's just silly and attracted to everything that was Wille because that was the only explanation. It was getting ridiculous at this point.

Felice waves them over, getting down from the horse with Wille's help and meeting them halfway. “You’re here. So glad you two could make it.” She greets, taking off her helmet. Simon's going to act like he doesn't notice that most of her attention is on his sister. At this point, he thinks they're just choosing to be oblivious.

Simon returns the hug she offers him and he's left with that feeling in his chest when he looks to Wille again - now only a few steps away - while Felice lingers with his sister. There's that smile on their face when they take the first step, offering their hand for a handshake and mouthing, “Hey.” - as if they haven't been inside each other. Not that anyone else was privy to that knowledge of course.

It takes everything in him to casually return the handshake, desperately trying not to think of those hands and lips and literally every part of them that Simon has missed way too much. “Hey.” He mutters, trying not to be obvious because apparently that's all they were.

“Do you wanna go around the stalls and make a pick? The horses there are all available to ride.” Felice's voice interrupts their little staring match and he jolts, freeing his hand from Wille's, still barely even processing the question when he turns to her.

Sara answers on his behalf because obviously. “Simon's never touched a horse in his life, much less ridden one. Consider him moral support.” Simon rolls his eyes even if she's not technically wrong. He's never riding any of these of course, this is a shameless excuse to hang out with Wille. It doesn't count as breaking a rule if he didn't plan it.

“There's a first time for everything.” He defends and Sara gives him an even more amused look. “Falling on your face? Pretty sure that's happened before.” She sticks out her tongue at him, definitely to be annoying and Simon scoffs, feeling his face flush in slight embarrassment. It's just not his field of expertise.

Maybe if the riding was in a different context, then he could definitely deliver. He quickly pushes that thought aside because thinking that only a few feet from Wilhelm was maybe not the best way to keep his self-control intact.

He mouths a playful “I hate you.” and Sara chuckles - along with the rest of them - and says, “Ditto.”

Her attention is quickly taken by the horse Felice tugs closer. She instantly reaches to pet the mane, somehow always excellent at this even if she's only met the horse today. She always did say she understood horses better than people anyway, Simon on his part just likes seeing her happy.

His little internal monologue is interrupted when he hears Wille's voice speaking up by his side, the words definitely directed at Simon. “I could show you some tips… if you want.”

Simon turns to them again, spotting a soft smile on their lips but yet some undertone in the words like it always was between them. He would give anything to spend alone time with Wille, they don't even need to ask.

It's taken every working cell in his body to keep him from kissing them already. Wille could show him whatever they wanted, he doesn't really care that much. Before he can reply something inappropriate though, Felice speaks up.

“That's a great idea. And Sara and I could ride down the trail. It's been a while. Is that okay with you?”

Simon brushes away his curls dangling over his face, trying to act casual - and not like he's buzzing with anticipation - when he breathes out, “That's fine.” He only manages to tear his eyes away from them for barely a few seconds. He doesn't miss the knowing looks Felice and Sara exchange though but Simon can't really be bothered at the moment.

“Alright. Great, we'll meet up in a few.” She says, waving at them before the both of them are turning towards the trail, Felice telling her the name of the horses until their voices fade out.

“How long do you think until something actually happens between them?” Wille voices out his exact thoughts hearing the girls’ laughter while they saddle and wear protection to start. Simon snorts, he's frankly not surprised they've caught on to it too. “Give it another four months.”

Wille chuckles and Simon finally allows himself to savor the sound, admiring the way their hair falls over their face and the skin around their eyes crinkle. Now they're somewhat alone, he doesn't want to shut up about it. Before he can say anything though, the expression on their face is softening, regarding Simon like he was actually the most beautiful highlight of their day.

His traitorous heart flutters in his chest when Wille reaches out to take his hand, gently caressing his fingers. This was it, that ever present softness lingering between them, in all their touches, that Simon knows could never be considered just casual.

“I missed you.” They say, voice laced with softness, so genuine and eyes so brown in the sunlight that it hurts how pretty they are to look at.

Simon is going to pretend those three words aren't his undoing. How simple they must be to Wille but yet how much they seem to slot in some missing piece of a fracture he once again didn't know existed in him. It shouldn't though and Simon knows that and he has to crush any feeling growing in his chest before he can't handle it anymore.

He snorts to brush it off, huffing and looking away. “You were naked in my bed like a week ago.” That seems to draw a loopsided grin from Wille and that insufferable smug expression is on their face when they tug him closer to say, “And that was a week ago. What's your point?”

Frankly, he hates how incredibly attracted to this whole co*cky persona they had going on too. It's really just Wille at this point and the way they bite down on their lips that would never not make his whole body stir with warmth. He's not sure how on earth he managed to deny himself this for way too long.

“You know you shouldn't be allowed to legally wear pants this tight.” Simon says seriously because it's all he's been able to think about since he caught sight of them.

There's that undertone and sensual lilt to their voice when they respond. “Not if they're serving the right purpose.”

Simon huffs, “I doubt you're referring to riding right now.”

And he really should've realized how much he set himself up for that but he still has to choke a bit on a series of unflattering coughs when Wille very boldly says, “Depends on what I'm riding.”

It's not the first time either of them have made a joke about going all the way even though they've never actually gone through with it but he's going to need even longer to recover from this. He can only imagine how flushed his face must be with the way he feels hot and the way Wille laughs, clearly expecting his reaction.

Simon wants to smack his stupid perfect grin as much as he wants to kiss it off.

He doesn't get to consider it because Wille is tugging him along to inner stalls. “Let's go pick a horse, come on.” Simon takes the moment to allow his heart flip in his chest at the way their fingers are laced together, such a painfully perfect fit that it should hurt.

When they're inside the pen, they pass by the first two stalls which Wille explains the horses there were too old and sore to be ridden before skimming through the rest. Finally - and because Simon isn't sure what exactly he should be looking for in a horse - Wille chooses one. They're gently brushing her muzzle, chestnut fur sliding easily beneath their slender fingers while laughing at Simon refusing to touch.

He's hardly paying attention to any of this if he's being honest. It just feels nice to be with Wille and to hear them laugh, even if it was at Simon's expense for the bit.

“Have you really never ridden one?” They ask while fixing on the halter and the lead rope on the horse before gently tugging and leading them back to the open field.

Just to be annoying, Simon chooses to say, “I didn't grow up rich.”

It's some light-hearted joke between them now but it started out with Simon joking about his ridiculously expensive house - and it really was - being from generational wealth and ended with a dim somber conversation with Wille opening up that they weren't even in contact with their parents and hadn't been for years. They hadn't said it out loud but it was very implied that being queer was definitely one of the reasons why.

Simon felt thoroughly bad, not just for his wrong assumption at that moment but also the realization that he'd been reading Wille so wrong from the start. There was so much he still didn't know about them, he's sure, even if sometimes it feels like Simon has lived in every carcass of their mind.

He never asks though because it's a rule too, they aren't friends, their personal lives stay personal. Whenever they banter, it's surface level, meaningless conversation and it's the easiest for Simon honestly. That's enough for him, more than enough.

Like every other time it's come up again, Wille glazes over it, chuckling and rolling their eyes fondly. “Sara's really good.”

“She volunteered at the stables back in school. Wasn't really my thing.” He explains, observing the horse while Wille decked the saddle, obviously knowing their way well around this. Simon's exhausted his ‘grew up rich’ joke pass so he just asks, “When did you learn?”

He can't say he doesn't feel his heart melt a bit when Wille says he learnt in school as well, but he was mostly just there to keep Felice company so she'd hate it less. It's unfair that every new thing Simon learns about Wille puts him up on a pedestal in his mind.

“You and Felice go way back then?”

Wille smiles softly, “Yeah, I’ve known her since preschool.”

They follow that up with gesturing Simon to get on the horse which he vehemently refuses to do because absolutely f*cking not. Wille laughs at his ‘theatrics’ - in their words - before eventually switching to a double saddle and promising to get on with him.

It's always a wonder how he still flushes at that given they've done incredibly more intimate things. Simon has had his fingers inside of them multiple times yet there's still heat crawling up his skin and face when Wille holds him from behind to explain balance and positioning or whatever, as if Simon could hear any of the words they even say.

“Spread your legs a bit more, it hurts less.” is Wille's choice of words when Simon finally mounts the horse and they must realize exactly how that sounds because the both of them burst out laughing at the same time.

“Whatever you say.” He wiggles his brows playfully, earning him that twinkle in Wille's eyes when they laugh.

Like they promise, they climb on after him and soon enough his back is pressed to their front and their arms holding on to him. Frankly, it was all terribly uncomfortable and unfamiliar at first but their warmth is relaxing enough that he can hardly be bothered about the fact that he's never ridden a horse.

There's that flush on his face again as Wille guides him to pulling on the lead rope, wrapping his hands around Simon's. The warm tingle of their breaths against the skin of his neck, leaving goosebumps in their wake.

“Uncomfortable?” comes their soft voice and Simon is so so weak for them in ways he can't explain but all his insides melt. If he was before, he definitely wouldn't be anymore. Simon gives a hum mostly because he's not exactly sure how to think of a response when all his mind is processing is how much he loves having Wille close - and in a non-sexual context.

Wille takes the reins and says way too seriously, “It's uncomfortable at first but once you get in the right position, it feels pretty good.”

Simon snorts and scrunches his nose because there's no way. “Now you're just doing it on purpose.” Wille chuckles, somewhat leaning more into him and nuzzling in the space of their neck and he can't help the smitten smile that blooms on his face as the horse makes short steady rounds in the field.

“Am I?” They whisper somewhat absently into his neck and Simon allows his eyes fall closed to savor the feeling. “You're a dumbass.”

“Mhmm you like it.”

The next few moments they spend exchanging banter and light chuckles while Wille walks him through the basics. He didn't really have high hopes for today but it's genuinely one of the lightest and happy he's felt.

It's only occurring to him that it's the first time they're hanging out not within the context of sex or under the guise of anything else and it's leaving a fluttering feeling in his chest.

Simon knows very well this is technically breaking a rule, one which he was pretty adamant on in the first place because he wanted them to stay unfamiliar and f*ck occasionally. It would be easier, detached and there'd be no chance for him to feel things like he was feeling in the moment.

But when had he ever chosen the easy route? And nothing's ever gone ‘according to plan’ with Wille, at this point, he's not even going to try.

At some point, Simon is completely in control, now sure in the way he tugs on the reins and Wille just wraps around him from behind alternating between praising him and making progressively more hilarious sexual innuendos. For some reason, there's a questionable amount of statements that can be used both in the bedroom and when horse riding. Seriously, ‘tighten the girth’ is just not trying at all.

Eventually, their moment is interrupted by Felice and Sara returning from the path, approaching them on their horses, matching wide smiles on their faces. Wille leans away so they're not pressed together again. He's only a little disappointed.

“You guys don't seem like you missed us.” Felice says, looking between them. Before either of them can come up with a response, Sara does, “I’m sure they didn't.”

Simon scoffs, rolling his eyes playfully and flipping his sister off. She sticks her tongue out at him and their friends laugh and it all feels too good.

They all dismount eventually and Wille offers to get water bottles for them to relax for a bit. The weather's fair, not too hot and not the stupid amount of cold he had to bear all the time.

When Wilhelm walks off, Felice turns to Simon from where she's stroking her horse's muzzle with a soft smile. “I'm glad you're not having a bad time. I had no idea you didn't know how to ride.” She says, tone a bit apologetic but Simon waves it off, he knew when he agreed anyway.

“Wille's a good teacher.” He decides on replying which unsurprisingly earns him a knowing look from his sister. What he doesn't really account for is the way Sara and Felice also share a look like they know something he didn't. It's only a second or perhaps more before Felice nods, “They are.”

Simon isn't exactly sure how close Wille and Felice are and if she has any idea what's going on between them but he's not even going to ask. It's a rule though, it never happened so no one should know about it but the specifics are avoidable and Simon is trying not to care.

Would he prefer if no one else knew? Definitely. But if he's blissfully unaware, it didn't really matter. Besides, for all he knew, she could be making assumptions like Sara was anyway.

The thought is quickly at the back of his mind spotting Wille approaching them again, struggling to hold four bottles and it's so sweet that he finds himself smiling fondly, heart doing that traitorous flip in his chest.

It takes everything in him not to reach forward and brush aside their hair falling over their face so messily and carefully tuck the strands behind their ear. Somehow he reins it in even when they smile at him that way, handing him his.

Simon thinks it's amicable he's even gone this long existing in the same space as Wille and not being able to kiss them - despite the fact that realistically they have gone longer. He might just die if they don't get time alone after this - not to be dramatic, of course.

They haven't talked about it, they're not going to address it directly because they just don't - it's easier not to - but he might as well just lose his mind if he can't have Wille to himself tonight.

And deep down, he knows it's not even the sex but admitting that will be unraveling emotions he's not ready to address, complicated emotions that could ruin everything and Simon couldn't have that obviously. He has Wille the way he's always wanted them for now.

They spent a few more hours at the ranch, riding even farther down the trail and then checking out other parts of the farm - while chatting about everything and nothing like they've known each other long - until they tired themselves out. It was a good time, and apart from how much Simon loved spending time with Wille, hanging out together with their friends also felt good.

He's never been more grateful Rosh happened to be dating Maddie. If their friend groups coincided and they happened to hang out more often - and Simon got to spend time with Wilhelm - he wasn't technically breaking any of his rules. They still aren't friends - acquaintances perhaps. That sometimes f*ck but that wasn't important.

Simon expects the sinking feeling in his chest when they say their goodbyes, having to pretend like he didn't want to cross the distance between them, throw caution to the wind and just kiss Wille, invite them over or vice versa or anything.

He knows he'll eventually end up doing that, just more discreetly over a text but there's still this tug in his chest. A longing that's slithered into the crevices of his chest, a want that makes almost every inch of him ache but he's not even sure what for.

He makes sure to push it to the farthest depths of his mind because the thought of wanting something more, something tangible and real - and not this sneaking around - that's insane.

Sara's giddiness and excitement recounting how much she enjoyed their time there during the ride back makes it easier to clear his head, and then they're singing along with the radio as the dusk set in fully laughing all through the way and Simon feels lighter than he has in a long time.

Finally home when it's dark, his first stop is a long hot shower to wash off the sweat and dirt before thinking about anything else. It's a mystery how he manages to get through it when he's still reliving every touch from Wille today, from being pressed against each other to the light touches, accidental brushes, the heated glances.

But then again, despite how sexually charged things could be between them, there's always that softness that lingered between them. Simon craves that, a little more than should be considered healthy.

It's only a few moments after stepping out from the shower that his phone buzzes on the bed. There's already a budding feeling in his chest, hope blooming in him like a plant in spring and quicker than ever, he's quickly grabbing his phone with as little finesse as possible.

There's a ‘can you come over please?’ on the screen before he even registers the contact name and his heart is flipping in his chest. Simon feels his lips curl in a smile, anticipation in him building up to its peak. Yeah, it's only been a few hours but it's Wille and Simon has been f*cked over since he met them, nothing new.

The speed with which he finds himself throwing on a random pair of sweatpants and hoodie before dashing out, keys rattling with how uncoordinated he is, should be concerning.

But none of that matters when after his overly rushed drive, he's at their doorstep, standing on their dumb shaped welcome mat - it's not dumb, Simon finds it quite endearing - and the door's opening to that smile.

Wille always has that look on their face whenever they see him, like they can barely believe they just got to do this - Simon could definitely relate sometimes. Despite doing this for weeks now, it's like the novelty hasn't worn off for them. It fills him with some sort of emotion to know he could do that to Wille, that even if it was merely sexual, he had some hold over them. It's exhilarating.

This isn't even the first time Wilhelm was seeing him today yet here they were taking him in like he was really the best thing they've seen all day. It’s ridiculous. It makes his heart ache in his chest.

“Are you gonna let me in?” Simon covers it up with a taunt, not able to help how smug he sounds. They flush a bit, face darkening before rolling their eyes and doing just that.

Wille is all over him almost instantly, tugging him closer by the pockets of his hoodie and hands coming up to cradle his face. He feels himself melt completely at the way their thumbs softly brush against his face, more teasing words at the tip of his tongue dying down as he stares into those brown eyes, feeling his heart flutter.

Simon leans in the same time they do and f*cking finally - like he's been dying to do all day - their lips meet in a soft kiss. It's a little too much sometimes, that feeling of utter relief and warmth that fills him every time they kiss. Maybe he should be used to it at this point, but he also doesn't understand how kissing someone could possibly feel so good.

Their fingers slip into his curls under the hood, lips moving in tandem with his, sweet and gentle and it leaves him weak to the knees.

There's very little his brain can catch up with at the moment, nothing but Wille. The way they hold him, moving so tenderly with him like they understand how it feels to want so much that the desperation aches. The taste and feel of their lips, slightly chapped but sweet, and the tightness in his chest at how their fingers thread through his hair.

It doesn't last nearly long enough and Simon has to rein in the urge to chase their lips when they pull away. There's that dumb smile on Wille's face that makes his stomach flutter, the skin around their eyes crinkling and freckles rising with that glint in their eye as they lick their lips.

Simon doesn't think he wants to live a life without experiencing this view and the thought of it alone is terrifying.

Enough that he thinks he should pull away, feign some excuse and leave. Maybe sit on the bathroom floor and scream for a bit because he should not be feeling any of this. But then Wille's whispering, “hi” in the space between them, warm breaths fanning Simon's face and he knows he wouldn't sleep tonight unless with them.

It's not like he didn't know what would happen when he agreed to this whole ‘casual’ arrangement anyway. He couldn't care less now at the moment.

Now his lips are curled up in a smile he knows must be smitten and he moves his hands to wrap around Wille's shoulders. “I've been waiting for that all day.” He doesn't really think it through before he says it but their expression after hearing it is worth it.

They seem very pleased with themself when they mutter, “Mhmm I could tell.”

Simon doesn't try to one-up them this time, he knows he could fluster them very easily without trying, even when they were exceptionally co*cky. He's feeling soft and mushy inside from that kiss and instead he mouths, “I missed you too.” Because f*ck, he really did. From the moans Simon could draw from them to the sound of their laugh, they play a loop in his mind.

And his heart is practically melting in his chest at the way Wille soaks in the words, like hearing him admit was really all they needed. It should hurt, how intense they were and how it seemed to nurture ridiculous hopes in him, for things he can't have, shouldn't be wanting even.

Wille doesn't kiss him this time, instead his arms around him are pulling him into a hug. Simon leans in instantly, burying his face in his neck and wafting in the lingering traces of shower gel and hints of perfume. It's insane how much comfort he feels instantly, feeling them nuzzle into his neck and curls - hood falling off and giving them enough room.

Simon can't pinpoint the exact moment they became this comfortable with each other, maybe they've always been, maybe lines blur out whenever they exist near each other and it's fine. But he's not so sure being so emotionally dependent would ever end well.

They pull back after a moment, seemingly needing that as much as Simon did with how reluctant they are to pull away.

“Did you already eat? I ordered dinner for two.” Wille says so simply like it was nothing while Simon is trying to understand how on earth they were just so good. And thoughtful and considerate and sweet. Every time they make it progressively harder to not feel things about them. Simon is trying but then they pull sh*t like this.

He shakes his head, pushing aside the fluttering feeling in his chest at the gesture away because yes, it didn't occur to him to eat something before leaving.

Wille nods, taking his hand and leading him to the kitchen where they are two takeout bags on the marble countertop. He hasn't been in here much since their route was mostly the living room to the bedroom and a few times, the screen room if they both weren't desperate to get to it already.

They let go of him only to open the fridge and Simon leans on the counter, eyes scanning around the homely space. Eventually, they're taking out a fruit drink from the fridge before rounding the counter to get a glass as well. “I know you don't drink alcohol, that's mostly what I have. Is this okay? It's not orange.”

Simon feels himself flush a bit, registering the words. There's so much to unpack in it that he just nods, “Yeah, that's fine.” Wille smiles and pours him a drink before offering it to him.

He's still barely recovered from the fact that they just remembered tiny details about him that he's sure he probably only mentioned in passing. It makes his heart squeeze a bit in his chest as he watches the juice move in the glass while Wille unpacked their dinner. They're making it so difficult for Simon to keep his feelings in check.

Maybe it's the bare minimum and proper courtesy but he's had to remind people a lot and he doesn't even remember telling Wille about it.

He's admiring the stickers and magnets next to the highlighted calendar stuck on the door of the fridge when he finds himself asking, “Did I tell you I don't drink?” Simon doesn't turn to see Wille's expression but the sound of bags rustling stops for a bit before he responds.

“Yeah. Maddie's party last year, you mentioned it. And I figured you didn't take any when we were at that club, like last month. Did you forget?” There's a bit of amusem*nt in his tone when he asks the last part but Simon couldn't be bothered about that.

He's trying to figure out if Wille was this attuned to everyone else in their life and paid attention to every minute detail because he's not sure how his heart could handle it and not read anything into it.

Even years into their relationship, Simon isn't sure Marcus even remembered his favorite color, talk more of taking his no drinking seriously - especially because there were times at his weakest moments when he did drink. It's hard not to feel touched that Wille noticed that much, even if it was way more complicated than that.

Simon hums, tracing his fingers over the little frog sticker. “Oh. It's been a while, I guess.”

Wille's smiling at him when he turns to face them, definitely unaware of his internal turmoil. They're flipping open the styrofoam plates when they say, “You also told me your favorite fruit is orange. Like two weeks ago, if you forgot that too.”

There's playful teasing in his voice and Simon finds himself flushing a bit more, mouthing, “Shut up.” which earns him hearing them laugh so it's fine.

He shakes his head fondly, turning back to trace the markings on the calendar. When first meeting Wille, Simon would've sworn they didn't have a personality aside from being blonde, rich and attractive but with every second he gets more integrated in their life, he's quickly figured there's so much to them that he didn't know. He wouldn't ask either because that wasn't what they were doing.

But he knows they sleep with stuffed animals - well one that Simon's never been able to displace - they used sticky notes for reminders, had cute little stickers and marked their calendar with different markers. It's sweet and dorky and Simon is unfortunately so into it.

“I'm free next week. If that's what you're looking at.” Wille's annoyingly - it's not - smug voice interrupts his thoughts.

That was not what Simon was looking for, but now they point it out, he can see the last week of March all free except Friday. Which is actually good to know because their annoying shooting schedule was starting to get on his nerves. “Don't flatter yourself.” Is what he voices out anyway, turning to see them filling up two glasses.

Wille snorts, “You do that for me already.”

A few moments later, they're in the living room, the television serving as background noise while they eat because Simon insisted the dining room wouldn't be as comfortable. Wille just chuckled and agreed without any qualms.

There's something so painfully domestic about this that makes his stomach twist up in knots because he knows this is just Wille being nice and yet every part of him was craving a reality where they could share nights like this.

He pushes the thought aside, drowns it out the second it comes up. Simon can't have that and he knows better than to even think about it.

“What are you doing on Friday?” He starts up because when they're not talking, there's room for unnecessary thoughts in his brain and besides, he was curious anyway.

Wille sips from his glass - Simon noticed how he also went for the fruit drink over alcohol which he apparently was rich in, he can convince himself they did that for his comfort and feel warmth in his chest. “Lena and I have plans.” They say simply.

“Oh.” Simon finds himself mouthing in response. He knows they work together and he really has no feelings about her whatsoever but he kind of wishes he didn't ask.

It doesn't help that he knows they have to make out and pretend to have sex occasionally as part of the job so there's that. He can't really account for the eerie feeling in his stomach just at thinking about it.

If Wille notices anything, he doesn't point it out but they nod, “Yeah. We're going to visit a children's hospital. We go together once in a while to see how far the donations are going. Maybe dinner after that and that's it. Do you wanna meet up then? I could cancel that.” They explain and offer so easily and just like that, Simon feels bad for even thinking anything else.

There's that flood of warmth rushing over him and he shakes his head instantly. They could meet up any other day of the week but for some reason, Wille seems to have made him a priority and would cancel on her for him. How on earth could he not be emotionally attached to them?

Being hot and annoyingly attractive was one thing and maybe Simon could resist that fine but Wille was so kind and sweet and it hurt so good. He's known he was screwed from the very moment they started this but it didn't quite hit him just how hard.

“No, I was just curious.” Simon's smile when he responds is genuine because he's just in awe of them and the things he's feeling in his chest are almost too much.

They have the most random conversations while they eat, laughing in between and bantering - at some point, Wille gives him a detailed talk on why weirdly shaped spoons and forks didn't need to exist - until they finish up dinner.

And it's really been fun but he kind of needs Wille naked because he's done an impeccable job of reeling in all that want all day but he could only last so long. Unfortunately for him, they want to clean up first and he reluctantly assists in carrying the glasses to the kitchen. Wille chuckles, dropping aside the dirty plates to start the dishwasher, muttering “It’ll only be a while”.

Simon smiles to himself almost subconsciously. When they'd met six months ago, he never pictured they'd be here, it's definitely something. There's just that feeling of contentment creeping up his mind that he's not sure what it means.

Before they can start the dishwasher, Simon has a brilliant idea and he goes, “Hey, you have something on your face.”

Wille, ever so clueless, reaches up to wipe the spot around his lips, hoping to get the so-called ‘smudge’ on his face and Simon can't help but laugh when they ask, “Did I get it?” and that earns him their pouty face. He offers to help - obviously, that's the whole plan - and makes a show of padding the corner of their lips with his thumb before pulling them down into a kiss.

The surprise lasts for only a few seconds before their arms are moving to wrap around his waist and they're smiling against his lips.

Simon allows his fingers to trail into their hair, threading through the soft strands and prying their mouth open to deepen the kiss. Wille's ever so eager, their plans to draw this out, surely forgotten as they suck on his lower lip, fingers slipping beneath his hoodie. There's that buzzing in his chest, knowing he has them so wrapped around his finger when it comes to this.

He's already moving his hands to grip at the collars of their shirt to pull them out and somehow direct them to the bedroom - the logistics don't really matter, now he's tasted them, he's even more desperate and pent up from today and he needs to be touching them.

Before he can do that though, Wille's turning them around so swiftly and his back is hitting the counter, their lips not parting for even a second. Heat travels all over every inch of him and he barely gets to recover before their hands are trailing down to grab at his hips. Wille swallows the sound he makes into the kiss when they lift him from the underside of his thighs and drop him on the countertop.

If Simon wasn't turned on before, he definitely was now. It's hardly his fault the manhandling and Wille basically lifting him like he weighed nothing was too f*cking hot that he wouldn't mind if they had sex right here, he's desperate and hot all over.

Unfortunately for him and much to his very vocal displeasure, Wille pulls away from the kiss, dropping his forehead on Simon's. It's only then he realizes he needs to catch his breaths as much as they do but it doesn't stop him from whining and tugging on their shirt. Their breaths are hot all over his face when they chuckle, still clearly breathless.

“You're a f*cking menace.” Wille eventually voices out after taking a good minute to get himself back.

Simon loves to know he could do that. He smirks, leaning closer to ghost his lips over Wille's, “You love it.” He whispers then leans back and savors the way they chase after his lips before seemingly realizing themself. Before they can pull away, Simon's caging them with his thighs and dropping his hands to their ass to pull them closer.

Wille bites their lips, eyes already so clouded and it coils heat in his gut. They look like even processing a thought might be the biggest challenge, just from one kiss and it's all him. Even when they voice out, “You're insufferable.” their voice is strained.

He trails his hands over their chest until he's tracing their collarbone, unable to help his smug expression at the way their eyes follow every movement of his fingers.

Simon makes sure to drop his voice to a comically low octave to mutter teasingly, “Mhmm I've been a bad boy, what are you gonna do about it?” He doesn't even get to complete the sentence before they're both laughing. Not what he was trying to accomplish but there's no way to physically say that and not cringe.

Wille's barely catching their breath in between laughter, leaning their forehead on his when they breathe, “You little sh*t.”

There's that contentment lodging itself in his chest again, yes he needs them in bed so badly right now but this… laughing with Wille over his corny joke and wrapped up in each other, it's soothing that ache in his chest. It feels too good, he doesn't know that he could handle losing it.

“What?” They ask, face flushed when they finally notice him staring after their laughter dies down.

Simon doesn't bother with a response, he's not sure he knows what to say that wouldn't come out wrong. He leans down to kiss them, sitting on the counter giving him the upper hand to gently cup Wille's face and kiss them firmly until their hands are roaming his body with barely contained urgency again.

He's running hot again, chasing the high as their lips move together and Wille's fingers are tracing his thighs ever so desperately. Their lips part when Simon gasps as they grip the underside of his thighs and hoists him up so easily. It's never not going to be hot apparently because there isn't a single coherent thought left in his brain.

Sadly, all he does is drop Simon on his feet but that lasts only a second before Wille's hooking his arms under his knees and lifting him in a princess carry this time. He yelps in surprise, instinctively grabbing their shoulders while they chuckle.

“Wille, don't you dare f*cking drop me.” He warns and probably to be annoying, they attempt to do just that and Simon damn near squeaks, holding on tighter to them. It's apparently all amusing to them apparently because their eyes twinkle with amusem*nt when Simon grumbles, “f*ck you.”

“That's kind of the plan.”

Stupid dishes now successfully forgotten, Wille carries Simon all the way to their room and he can't help the giggles that leave his lips, high on the way Wille makes him feel.

It shouldn't be so f*cking hot when they basically toss him on the bed, climbing in right after to hover over him but heat spikes up in his lower body and god, staring up at them, Simon just wants. It's kind of insane how much he does.

Warmth blooms in his chest again when they lower down to kiss him and his arms wrap around them instinctively, legs all tangled together intimately.

The feelings clogging up his chest are almost too much that he can hardly even ignore them in the physicality of it all. The way their lips move together so desperately, their feverish touches scrambling over expanse of him and the way they slide their knee between his legs, pressing against where he was already growing hard.

Even then Simon's chest is fluttering with warmth at how close their bodies are, raking his fingers down their back and then trailing up to grasp at their hair. Tingles race his spine and he arches up into them feeling their large hands on his warm skin, sweater long ridden up his body in their frantic kissing.

He feels like he would lose his damn mind and they've barely done anything. Maybe it's how emotionally intense the day's been already, maybe it's the not so surprising realizations he's come to that makes it almost too much.

Simon thinks he'll die if Wille centers all their attention on touching him in that gentle and tender way they did. The way they regarded him with such care like he was worth something, the way their kisses and touches were as adoring as ever knowing none of this was real - knowing this would never mean anything more despite how much his traitorous heart hoped otherwise. It makes his chest squeeze almost painfully even in the moment. He's not so sure he can handle that.

Taking the opening with Wille so distracted and lost in feathering light kisses over his jawline, Simon duly flips them.

They look taken aback for a moment, face flushed and eyes glazed over with barely concealed lust that makes his insides stir and twitch knowing he's the reason for all that. And by god, are they f*cking beautiful like this, blinking up at him with their pale skin tinged red and lips thoroughly kissed and bitten already while they seemingly came into focus.

When they eventually do, Simon thinks Wille would flip them back for a moment but then they comply so easily when he reaches up to pin their wrists to the bed and he's almost dizzy with the want brimming in him at that.

Wille moves his wrists beneath Simon's loose grip clearly not trying to free his hands because they both know damn well he could easily do that if he wanted but he doesn't. Instead their face darkens even more, almost squirming beneath him and breaths faltering in the space between them.

And f*ck, Simon knows they like being told what to do, they love when he explicitly states what he wants and tells them just how to do it but he didn't consider they would like being held down too. It's exhilarating and sends a wave of heat rushing over him and suddenly he's burning hot on the inside.

Knowing Wilhelm gave him so much control, so much leverage to pull the strings however he wanted because they could easily flip them again and take the lead if they wanted. Simon would let them - unfortunately he is that weak and easy.

But they don't, they let Simon have this semblance of control over them so easily that it should hurt.

He slips his knee between their legs, lowering down to kiss them again to quell his thoughts. Wille responds instantly, parting their lips and moving against him, sounds spilling from them into the kiss when he presses down.

And this, he loved so much, learning how to play them like his instruments, knowing what they liked and how they liked it and every trick in the book to make them lose their damn mind.

Some basal insane part of him wants to ruin Wille, wants to make it so no other person's touch would ever be enough for them ever again. To imprint himself in their mind permanently in the way they did him. Simon wants them to experience him in every single person they would ever be with after him and the thought alone terrifies him.

This sheer inexplicable pull between them, it was slightly maddening because there was no other viable explanation for why he felt this way. For why he could feel so much all at once for one person that sometimes he thinks he would lose his mind. Still somehow, it's the only thing keeping him sane in this whole arrangement.

All the pent-up desperation in him is suddenly at its fill and he pulls back from the kiss because there's way too many layers between them and Simon needs them gone.

And it's a sight, the way Wille chases after his lips, leaning up, eyes still closed and face a remarkable shade of red yet his freckles still standing out. When their eyes flutter open, they're impossible dark and Simon feels himself twitch in his pants.

“How'd you want me?” He finds his voice to whisper between them but even he can hear how needy and raspy he sounds.

Like always, there's that look on his face when Simon asks like for some reason, he expects him to stop asking. The last thing he needs is for Wille not to enjoy it or be uncomfortable and he knows very well how they felt about their body at certain times. Simon always wants to touch them in a way that they understand just how f*cking beautiful he finds them. It's the best way he knows how to.

They don't give him an answer, eyes raking his face and worrying their lower lip like they want to say something but don't know how. Simon leans away a bit to clear his head and prompts, “I need you to tell me what you're okay with.”

He releases their hands, moving his hand to rest on the side of Wille's face, tucking away the strands of hair already sticking to their face and waiting for them to form that response. No matter how desperate and pent up he is, Simon's not touching them until he knows what's off limits and what's not. Like this, he can count their freckles and their lashes if he tried and there's that flutter in his chest again.

Wille's fingers find his face and they pull him down into a short kiss, brushing aside his dangling curls. When they pull away, they mutter, hot breaths fanning all over Simon's face. “I want to go all the way.”

Oh. Oh. Heat coils up in his lower body and his toes curl in the sheets when the words really register. His face flushes, probably matching Wille's because they were flushed all the way to their neck. Maybe his silence and moment of stun passes the wrong message because he can feel the nerves radiating from Wille instantly.

“If that's an option.” They add, voice uncertain and Simon can see how they visibly swallow, can hear the way their breaths falter and he feels dizzy with so much want. Even more when they add, “I've been thinking about it.”

That was definitely an option. It's been on the table, it's been an object of his fantasies for too long now and not that anything else they did wasn't enough but the thought of finally feeling them inside him - hell, maybe even the other way around - it's thrilling. If he wasn't already painfully turned on before, this would've done the trick.

Somehow Simon manages to find the words, voice almost trembling when he whispers back, “What did you think about?”

Wille flushes even deeper at the prompt like they haven't been more explicit and crass when trying to tease or fluster Simon. It takes them squeezing their eyes shut and dropping their head back on the bed with a breathy sigh for them to finally say, “You. Us.”

“What are we doing?”

“We're like this.” They answer easily, eyes fluttering open and they lick their lips. Simon swallows thickly, feeling the heat stir in his pants that with how they're pressed together, Wille must feel it too. They hold his gaze when they add, “Naked.”

It's taking everything to keep his cool and not immediately get to ripping their clothes out of the way because he's almost shaking with how much he f*cking wants. He licks his lips, suddenly terribly dry. “And?”

Wille looks even more flustered, seemingly getting to the point they couldn't voice. Maybe some other time, Simon would take the time to edge them until they voiced exactly what they wanted him to do but today he's almost at his very limit and he doesn't want to draw this out any longer. If they wanted him to ride them, he would until they forgot their own name.

Simon adjusts his knee to press against their center where he can already feel them hard and they throw their head back, a drawn out moan spilling from their lips. He leans in to latch on to the skin of their neck, sucking hard enough to leave a mark there.

That seems to do it because Wille's fingers are threading through his curls and pulling him away from his neck to meet their lips.

When their lips part, Simon's barely catching his breath, staring down at their dilated pupils and he hasn't gotten to recover before they're saying words that have him forgetting how to even breathe.

“I want you to f*ck me.” Wille breathes against his lips, voice barely audible and he can hear the desperation in his voice and how much he couldn't take it anymore to actually voice it out.

For the next few seconds he doesn't really process any brain function, really allowing the words to register and soak it in. He's not sure why but when they suggested going all the way, Simon didn't really think they were talking about bottoming. And really he's fine either way but with Marcus, it was never really on the table. He hates that he has to compare every sexual experience to his but it's impossible to not point out the comparison.

When he gets himself back, Simon instantly rolls off of Wille and slides off the bed. They stare up at him, leaning up on their elbows and there's always that heady feeling when he's looking down at them like this.

He swallows tightly, throat dry and parched and scrambling to keep his cool when he says, assertive yet somehow pleading in his tone. “Get naked and move up to the pillows for me.”

Without wasting a second, they're sitting up to toss their shirt over their head and he's as pleased as he is almost lightheaded to find that they're naked beneath the shorts when they toss them away as well.

Simon feels that bone deep ache seeing their flushed skin bare and looking like a f*cking masterpiece as they do as he says, lying back on the pillows.

He makes quick work of his hoodie, tugging it off and discarding it carelessly. Wille is watching him so intently that it makes his knees weak when he reaches down to pull down his pants.

“Where do you keep your condoms?” He asks because they're not doing this without one.

That's one rule Simon knows he can't bypass or break, it would be too much for him to handle. He needs one thing to himself that he doesn't totally give to them for some semblance of sanity. It's a safety issue, yes but it's also way too intimate.

Wille doesn't seem to even hear him the first time, eyes following the movements of his hands as he tosses his pants aside as well. “Huh?” They blink at him, seemingly forcing their eyes away from the very visible bulge in his boxers. It's thrilling to know he has this much hold on them.

He repeats, “Condoms. Do you have one?”

Realization seems to wash over them and they nod. “Bathroom cabinet.”

Simon doesn't waste a second to make a quick turn to the bathroom, rummaging through the cabinet with little coordination and retrieving one from the pack. He already knows where Wille keeps the lube so when he re-enters the room, he makes a beeline to the bedside drawer to take it out.

There's that hunger and intensity in their eyes as they watch Simon climb the bed again, sitting on his knees between their slightly parted legs and dropping the supplies aside. It almost makes him squirm.

Their lips are parted, eyes hazy with skin tinged red down to their shoulders and fingers fisting the sheets. When his eyes trail down to where they're hard, flushed at the tip, Simon almost loses his damn mind.

His voice is strained and shaky when he asks, “Have you bottomed before?”

Wille's admitted to having very few experiences with men and Simon needs to be sure. He knows they can like it rough sometimes but still he knows taking a co*ck in the ass hurts at first.

They shake their head and Simon has to remind himself to breathe through his nose. He's not going to think about how this isn't just a first for them but they're also going to be each other's firsts in this aspect. Simon does prefer bottoming and with his ex preferring the other, he never considered offering to switch and frankly, he's never felt like it.

But it's different with them. The idea of doing this with Wilhelm though, that made his chest tighten with warmth and made him lightheaded with emotions and desire when they've barely done anything.

Wille wants Simon to be their first. It shouldn't elicit so many feelings from him but it does. They reach out to take Simon's hand, entwining their fingers and then tugging him till he's hovering over them again, settling between their legs. He feels them even through the material of his shorts and when their groins brush together, a strained moan rips from his throat.

Their lips meet his in a bruising kiss, fingers trailing down to grip at Simon's ass and grind their hips together. Simon thinks he would die. He wouldn't last. There's already pleasure coiling in his stomach and the thought that he would be inside them alone made him twitch where he was already painfully hard.

This will be over embarrassingly quickly if they keep rocking together like that, sucking and licking into their mouth so fervently and Simon has to pull away.

Wille actually whines, leaning up to chase his lips but Simon gestures to them to lie back and they comply so easily. He traces his fingers over their inner thighs, marveling at the feel of the skin, flushed and scattered with little blemishes that Simon adored.

“I'm going to open you up.” He tells them before reaching out blindly to grab the tube of lube, not daring to tear his eyes from them for a single second. This, they've done countless times now but it's never not a f*cking wonder to know he's the one who gets to have Wille like this, so open and vulnerable, legs spread just for him. For Simon.

He shifts to lay at their side so they're both comfortable, propping himself on his elbow and it's barely a second before Wille's pulling him into a kiss again. Simon trails his free hand down their chest, flicking their nipples and tracing every dip and contour he's memorized already.

When they part, he leans back to squeeze the cold liquid on his hand, swallowing thickly when he meets their dark eyes following his every movement. He gets back in position, making sure to watch their every expression as he moves his now coated fingers between their legs.

Their eyes fall close, head dropping back on the pillow as always when Simon sinks a finger in. They're not as tight as they were the first time they did this so it doesn't take long before he's adding a second finger, soft sighs and whines of his name spilling from Wille's beautiful lips in response.

Simon takes his time opening them up, reveling in the way their hips jerk with his movement and the sounds they make when he curls his fingers up to hit that spot.

Usually, when he does this, the goal is to make them come but now he draws it out, scissoring his fingers and stretching. The heat and warmth and their walls pulsing around his fingers was driving him insane already, he's not sure how he would handle that around his co*ck.

He presses soothing kisses on their jawline and trailing down to their neck when he adds the third finger with a bit of resistance this time. Wille cries out at the stretch, grasping at the sheets with an urgency that Simon thrives in seeing that he was the one doing that to them.

And they're such a sight, lips parted, skin hot and red, stomach tensing and pre come spilling from their length as their hips arch up to his thrusts. He feels like he would die, wound up and somehow aching with a need he can't even comprehend.

“Can I suck you off?” Simon finds himself whispering into the side of his face, lips trailing every bit of skin he can find, obsessed with the taste of their skin, the sweat sheening their skin, all of it.

Wille makes a choked sound but Simon can't tell if he nods with how he's already thrashing in the pillow, panting.

The words are practically pleading when they fall so easily from his lips, too far gone and caught up to even care. “I need your words, please. Can I touch you?” He pauses in his thrusts, earning him a whine from them but then their eyes are fluttering open and they're muttering, “Please.”

A wave of warmth and heat washes over him yet he shivers almost visibly at the sheer want in his voice. Like that wasn't enough, their expression when he pulls out his fingers might be his very undoing.

Simon adjusts his position without wasting a moment, kneeling between their spread legs before leaning down to litter kisses on their chest and sinking his fingers back into them again, one at a time. Their fingers find his hair, threading through his curls as he licks down their happy trail until he's mouthing at the tip of their co*ck.

He's very pleased to hear the way Wille's moans significantly increase when he sinks down on his length, the familiar taste and weight of him in his mouth leaving him aching and tight in his shorts.

He doubles down, bobbing his head on their length and hollowing his cheek, swirling his tongue on the tip at intervals while maintaining his thrusts in their hole until they're basically a mess.

Simon loves to see it. He doesn't stop until their fingers in his hair are tugging him away and he pulls off their length with a pop. He understands immediately, seeing the desperate look on their face and now he can pinpoint all their tells, Simon knows he's close.

He pulls out gently, watching the way their hole clenches in the absence of his fingers, now stretched and red, looking so wrecked. The sight almost leaves him dizzy and he has to remind himself to breathe as he blindly searches the bed for the condom he tossed aside. His hands are shaky when he tears it open after he finds it and he feels hot all over, buzzing with anticipation.

There's little to no finesse in the way he pulls off his boxers, eager to do away with the material and feeling some sort of relief when the cold air of the room hits his dick.

“Can I?” Wille's voice is breathless and barely audible but Simon catches it, looking to see them leaning on their elbows and watching him about to put on the condom. He realizes what he's referring to and feels his face heat up before handing him the condom.

He can't help the shudder that runs through him when they lean up to roll it on his length and pull him down for a kiss right after. It's as filthy as it's sweet as Simon hovers over them again, positioning himself between their folded up legs without parting their lips for a second.

“Are you okay?” Simon whispers against their lips when they part and Wille smiles against his lips, pecking the corners of his lips.

“Never better.” They mutter sweetly and Simon feels his heart melt.

He pulls away to squeeze more lube into his hand, coating his length and when his eyes drift down to their clenching hole, Simon is sure he would not last. Even with how close he's brought them, he doubts this would last long with the way he has to remind himself not to come at the sight alone.

Simon lines himself up with them and Wille makes a high sound the same time he groans at the feeling alone. He reaches out with his other hand to take one of theirs, lacing their fingers as he nudges their rim with his tip.

Wille throws their head back, lower lip trapped between their teeth, muffling their groan when Simon pushes in, the overwhelming warmth and tight heat around his tip almost driving him insane.

They squeeze his hand tightly as he sinks in further. Simon is torn on whether to watch the entrancing way their hole takes his co*ck and the way his stomach tenses, entire body taut or their facial features, so doused and scrunched up - toeing on the fine line between pain and pleasure.

He pauses when he senses discomfort, leaning down to place soft kisses all over their face and down their jawline and neck until he feels them relax.

They gasp when he pushes in the rest of the way until his hips are sitting flush against their ass and they're both breathless, exchanging hot shaky breaths. “Good?” He checks in and Wille huffs out a breathless sigh, blissed out and presses a kiss to his lips. “Perfect.”

Simon joins their fingers again when he starts moving, drawing out a sigh from them with every thrust as they adjust to his size. They're so close, completely pressed against each other with Wille's legs locked around his lower back and Simon doesn't know how to deal with the rush of emotions clogging up his chest.

He's so overwhelmed with them at the moment, all he thinks, feels, smells, hears is Wille and it should feel too much but it's so right. Every inch of him trembles with warmth every time their hips meet, his thrusts steadily becoming faster and harder and they're moaning encouragingly, pressing their bodies closer - as if to meld them together.

There's heat and pressure building up, about to burst and he's so lightheaded with countless emotions that he can feel how frantic his thrusts become. And it shouldn't be so beautiful, the way Wille cries out, sounds increasing like a crescendo as they grasp at him and jostle along with his thrusts, so out of rhythm.

He doesn't know it's supposed to feel this good, he's not sure he was capable of feeling so wound up yet so content and full that his heart feels like it would spill.

Time eludes him, he's not sure how long they're wrapped up in each other, no possible way to tell where he begins and where Wille ends but soon it's too much. The way their walls squeeze around him, tight and hot, exchanging hot heavy breaths and panting in each other's mouths. The pressure reaches its peak in him, hips stilling and body growing taut and his brain fogs up, blacking out when he finally tips over that edge and lets go.

His org*sm washes over him so intensely and he spills into the condom, hips flush against Wille's ass and burying his face in their neck. He feels them shudder beneath him as he recovers from the aftershocks and he presses light kisses into their neck, wafting in the scent and sweat.

When he pulls away, Wille looks so wrecked, face flushed and lips hanging open and a lost look in their eye and that was all Simon. He gets himself back quickly, if only to offer them that sweet relief and he leans up to pull out.

They wince, grasping at the sheets as he gently pulls out until he's graced with the sight of how wrecked their hole is, shining with lube. It's a maddening sight and Simon can't help the way he leans down to place a kiss over his rim. They let out a sound between a whimper and a moan and it spurs him to trail his tongue up til he's mouthing at their balls.

He takes their co*ck in his mouth again, fingers pumping the rest his mouth doesn't take and Simon sucks him off till they're spilling a litany of his name from their lips and coming in his mouth.

Simon swallows every bit of him, feeling him pulse in his mouth and milking him of every drop until he has his fill. There's nothing he loves more than seeing how spent they are whenever he's done with them. Maybe it's still that silly part of him that's convinced that if he's good enough in bed, Wille wouldn't get tired of this. But he couldn't care less at the moment when his chest feels light and he's so blissed out.

For a moment he rests on Wille's thigh, tracing their skin as he catches his breaths and watches them recover from their org*sm, looking so gorgeously f*cked out. Simon loves it. After a moment, he has to move away to peel off the condom, tying it properly to trash it in the bathroom

He crawls back into the bed to lay at their side, reaching closer to brush away the strands of their hair now ruffled and messy from thrashing in the pillow definitely. Simon smiles to himself, admiring how relaxed their facial features are at the moment, eyes still closed and breaths having slowed down. He pads his thumb over their freckles, heart fluttering in his chest as he memorizes their features, commits them to memory.

Wille's hand comes up to rest on his resting on the side of their face and they lean into Simon's. They look so relaxed, eyes fluttering open lazily and his first thought is blurting out how beautiful they look but he reins that in somehow.

“Water?” Simon asks softly and they nod. He places a kiss on their forehead before sliding down from the bed, not bothering to put on anything before stalking over to the kitchen to get water. It's so homely and it makes him tingle a bit as he walks back to the room with a glass of water.

When he walks into the room, they're sitting upright resting on the pillows and they smile at him when he walks in. He hands them the glass before climbing into bed and mirroring their position. He's obviously not going back to his house tonight, and it's sort of a thing now so he knows Wille would ask him to stay over anyway.

It's not like there's any way he could go back to his cold bed after experiencing this. f*ck, Simon hasn't still quite processed the entirety of tonight but he's on cloud f*cking nine about it.

Simon watches them take a sip from the glass, keeping it aside before excusing themself to the bathroom. He makes himself comfortable on the bed, picking up their stuffed frog and hugging it close, sighing softly. There's several emotions at the top of his mind he's not ready to address and he's not quite sure he'll ever be ready.

He's idly fiddling with the golden crown of the toy when Wille comes out of the bathroom. He feels the bed sink at his side before he's turning on his side to face them, meeting the soft expression on their face.

“Hey.” They whisper, mirroring his position and reaching out to brush away his stray curls, tucking them behind his ear. Simon feels himself flush a bit despite all they've done tonight and how they're both naked in his bed.

Simon whispers back, “Hi.”

They lick their lips, almost looking bashful when they mutter, “I really liked that.” Simon feels a rush of warmth down his spine all the way to his fingertips and he bites the insides of his cheek to contain his smile.

“Me too.”

For a moment, they're just staring at each other and he damn near hears his heartbeat in his ears from the intensity in their eyes. They are always like this, he has to consciously remind himself, squeezing on the plush in his grip to distract himself from his thoughts.

“I think this little guy's taking my place.” Wille breaks the short silence, gesturing to his stuffed frog in Simon's grip and he chuckles when he realizes what they mean.

It's nothing new that they cuddled after having sex, which he knows is not casual but they never call each other out so it was fine - as long as there's no direct rule against it, Simon's fine. He snorts, “Considering you let him watch us every time, I'd say he deserves this.”

That draws a laugh from Wille and as always it elicits a flutter in his stomach. That dumb sweet sound. “He can't watch us.” They huff out in between tired chuckles.

“That's what you think.” Simon defends and their shoulders shake in a small chuckle again and they mutter something within the lines of ‘you're incorrigible’.

He asks, to keep the conversation going when the thoughts creep back to the front of his mind. “What's your whole thing with frogs? I mean it's cute, I'm just curious.”

He's seen several stickers and magnets and generally frog themed stuff around their house and he's always wondered what intrigued them about it. It didn't take Simon too long to realize they're just a dork that happened to be hot. He happened to be into that apparently.

Wille makes that pouty face and flicks his forehead playfully before muttering, “They're cool.”

Simon snorts at the basic response, batting their hand away. “Of course, they are.”

They smile at him in that sweet way with their eyes crinkling and glint sparkling in their eyes as they scoot closer to him on the bed. Simon feels the urge to brush aside their hair behind their ear and that he does. He's not sure they've done this whole pillow talk thing before but neither of them seem to want to sleep and he's still riding the high from tonight.

He already considers changing the conversation before they respond, “I didn't speak for a while when I was a child and one day my brother took me to see a terrarium. The first words I ever said were calling them cool, of course I stand by it.”

There's so much in there that Simon wants to ask about even though they say it so playfully but he doesn't indulge himself. He likes to keep their conversations on surface level because if there was some sort of detachment then he could stay sane.

Still, his curiosity wins over him and he finds himself muttering, “I didn't know you had a brother.”

Wille's expression shifts a bit to a quite somber one and he shakes his head into the pillow. “Mhmm… had. Not anymore.” He says it so easily but Simon can hear the undertone, layers of sadness beneath his tone.

Simon wouldn't ask obviously because he shouldn't and all he can whisper is, “Oh. I'm… so sorry.”

They shake their head, smiling though it looks forced, “It's fine.”

Simon keeps the plush aside, scooting closer until there's hardly any space between them. Wille takes the opening, curling up to him, tangling their legs and resting their head on his chest. He thinks they should feel how hard his heart is beating in the moment when they're this close.

He threads his fingers through their hair, humming absently and pressing even closer. There's a whirr of feelings clogging up in his chest, running laps in his mind and if he addresses them, he's going to mess this up. He likes this too much to lose this.

They stay like that in silence for a while until Simon brings up a conversation again. “So you had your diagnosis when you were a kid then?” For a moment he thinks they've fallen asleep but then they're shaking their head and murmuring, “No. A few years ago.” definitely sounding sleepy.

“Why not?” Simon asks, scratching their scalp lightly and feeling his heart melt when he looks down to see their eyes fluttering closed then open lazily. It takes a bit for Wille to finally respond.

“I'm not sure my mom liked the idea. I mean, I took speech therapy for a bit but I knew how to talk. I just didn't think I had to if I didn't want to.” He explains, idly tracing his fingers along Simon's skin and curling their legs closer.

“Does that still happen?”

When he asks that, they shift and angle their neck so they're looking at him and there's a lazy grin on their face. “I always want to talk to you if that's what you're wondering.” He whispers sweetly and Simon feels his heart swell. He's feeling stupidly soft tonight and for once, he doesn't even mind because he's so f*cking happy.

He snorts and kisses his index finger then bops their nose with it. Their face flushes a bit and his heart flutters. “No, dumbass. I mean like, does it affect your job or.. ?”

Wille thinks about it for a while before shaking their head, “Not really, pretending is kind of my thing.” With that, they shift so they're laying on his chest again and Simon hums and continues running his fingers through their hair. After a short moment of silence, they whisper, “Not with you though.”

Simon feels his heart squeeze in his chest almost painfully and even with the blooming feelings of warmth lodged there all night, there's still some looming dread.

A reminder that none of this is real, just a fun time and there would be a time where he wouldn't have this anymore. It's not enough to quell the buzzing feelings of warmth but it's there and he knows he can only ignore it long enough.

“I know.” He whispers and leans forward to press a kiss on their hair, “Go to sleep.”